vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.