Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?