How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
This January has 47 Mondays
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut