Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way