“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage