Time for evil
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Me :
All Day At Night
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Note to self: I am a note
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic