If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.