Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Software Development ⛵️
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.