I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I’ve been drinking.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
This is my favorite one of these!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.