My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone