The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”