[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that