Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry