Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The two types of wives
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It’s an epidemic…
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?