GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
You Might Also Like
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded