[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You Might Also Like
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Rooting for the overdog
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*