Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
You Might Also Like
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I created you as mosquito food.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.