[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
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You got this…
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
okay run it by me one more time
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.