Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.