Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
One venti cheeseburger please.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
my one true gender
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I am, perchance
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018