me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand