Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Dudes named Chance never had one.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.