My blood type is coffee.
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.