Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
August 8
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Google Pay be like:
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.