The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.