Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Flowers bee like
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*