Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Sorry I made promises on Friday
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?