they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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titanic
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
What kind of a cult is this?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes