Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
January has been Januweary
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.