Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Jogging
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.