i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
buying dead houseplants to save time
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.