My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.