USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭