As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no