Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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