I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today