Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
giddy up Office Depot
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter