“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.