Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
CRYING
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Mornin