[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Duck typos.