I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
She: I like Cats
He:
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up