I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
We have a winner.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”