My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
That’s easy for you to say
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers