ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
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You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.