The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
North and South
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.