Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.