Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I think this cat is broken
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I can also cook 😂
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”