Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
not to brag, but mine was free
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold