When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
You have been warned.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice