My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.